competitive mothering: i’m handing in my jersey

Apr 14, 2010 Posted by denice johnson on Apr 14, 2010 in life, mind | 2 comments

competitive mothering: i’m handing in my jersey

When I was a kid my mother and her friends used to do this thing called commiserate.

Commiserate: To be in the same boat and have empathy for one another when that boat is sinking; usually while drinking coffee.

Mothers once gathered to pat each other on the back over little Johnny getting in trouble at school again (ohhh that kid) or sweet Suzy taking the kitchen sheers to her hair (she looks like she was attacked by the hedge trimmers!). There was no judgement. They did not avoid making eye contact on the bad days for fear of someone finding out their dirty little secret: that they, and their children were – GASP! – human!

Those days are long gone. Competitive Mothering is the order of the day. The sad thing is, I think it came out of a genuine desire to do better, to be the best parents we could be. Somehow, someone, somewhere turned the very best intentions into something ugly and unpleasant.

Our parents had a lot right but there was certainly room for improvement. As times changed so did attitudes and, for the most part, this has been for the better. The shift from spanking to more gentle forms of discipline was a good idea. Encouraging breast feeding before bottle feeding, also good. Preschool, lovely. Reading to your baby, very nice. Trying to teach your four month old how to play the violin for Grandma and her friends, perhaps a little off target.

We’ve slipped from the Path of Good Intentions and have ended up square on our asses in the Land of Jerks. These days you dare not confess to any parenting challenges lest ye be attacked for your shortcomings. Because everyone else has got your little problem well in hand, whatever it is. They have the best children because they are the best parents. They would never have the problems you’re having (hahaha, nervous laughter) and anyone who says otherwise is a liar! A liar, I tell you!

It has become next to impossible to feel good about being a mother. No matter how great you are or how hard you try, your kids are going to encounter stumbling blocks. This is perfectly natural and human but in the current climate it is also not allowed. All kids go through phases that make you want to send them right back where they came from and rather than being able to call up a friend and say oh my god you would not believe! we all feel the pressure to fake perfection. We’re fine, we’re all fine, nothing to see here, move along!

There are more books on parenting now than ever before. Books on Attachment Parenting (I breastfed until she was twenty-four years old! I win!). Books on how to get your baby to sleep through the night (He’s been sleeping through the night since he was 3 hours old! No, 2 hours! He came out asleep! He’s still sleeping!). Books on early learning (I read the New York Times to my baby. She prefers the editorial section. She’s has a great mind for issues.). It’s never ending. Here you’ve got a bunch very nice people who go about writing some probably very nice books on parenting and we turn it into nonsense. Because if it’s good to read to your baby, WE’RE GOING TO READ TO OUR BABY, BY GOD! WE’LL READ THAT BABY RIGHT SILLY, WE WILL!

I, for one, want off the bus. I don’t want my ticket to the Land of Jerks. I want to do what I do because it’s right for me and for my children. I don’t want to feel like a failure when my kid kicks your kid in the shin because he took his toy. I’ll do the right thing. I’ll tell him it’s not nice to kick, tell your friend you’re sorry. But I expect you to be nice about it not act like I’m raising the second coming of Evil. Because it isn’t about being a perfect parent – it was never supposed to be about that. It’s supposed to be about being our best with the knowledge we have available to us. We have more information at our disposal than our parents could have dreamed of and we’re wasting it. Rather than using it to genuinely make parenting easier we’ve turned mothering into a competitive sport and there are no teams. It’s every mom for herself. It makes me sad. I want what my mom had paired with what I’ve learned from all of the latest parenting information. I want to try my best and have friends who will pat me on the back on the days when being a mother sucks anyway.

I don’t know what my score is thus far, but I’d like to forfeit the game.